Good friends from Mastermind Group (no, I'm not pregnant there and drinking. And no, it wasn't any of them.)
Small minds trade on the currency of gossip.
I got my nails done on Wednesday to make sure they were beautiful for our SoapQueen.TV shoot yesterday. While at the drop-in nail salon, a distant acquaintance made an extremely personal comment to me. Surprised, I inquired about the nature of the comment. It turns out that she had heard some malicious gossip about my marriage. Not only was the gossip untrue, she even mentioned where the gossip had originated with.
I went to the source. I called a few times and in the interest of time, left a message requesting a face-to-face meeting the next day, stating the subject matter and my feelings (hurt, surprised, puzzled). The next morning, I received a ... text message (!) in return. No phone call. No meeting. And no chance for dialog.
The art of having a 'Crucial Conversation' has been written about extensively (I've even written about it here). There's even a book (recommend it!) that my Mastermind Group read. I recommend it. But here's the cliff notes version of how to have a crucial conversation (and no, text message isn't in it):
1. Start with heart - Focus on what you really want. Ask yourself: How would this look and sound and feel if I got everything I wanted out of this. Refuse to give in to the sucker's choice of peace and honesty. Look for the win win in every conversation. Avoid fuel words like 'Always' and 'Never'. What is your style under stress? Make sure that you're not resorting to that.
2. Learn to look - Focus on the other person. What are they saying? What are they doing? Is their body language escalating? Are they moving to silence? To violence? Ask questions.
3. Make it safe - Apologize when necessary, contrast to fix misunderstandings, and brainstorm together to come to mutual solutions.
4. Master YOUR story - What's really going on in your head? What are your feelings, really? What stories are you telling yourself (example: am I enjoying playing the wronged victim? Did I make an offhand comment that could have been misconstrued?). Determine what you really want to happen.
5. State your path - Share your story, encourage facts, talk tentatively
6. Explore other's path - Listen, mirror ("I hear you saying..."), agree, build, compare
7. Move to action - Determine who is doing what, when, and how to solve the situation.
Meaningful quotes (to me) from the book:
“Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away, or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it’s because we don’t know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dialogue, we play silly and costly games.”
“In order to justify an especially sordid behavior, we suggest that we’re caught between two distasteful options. Either we can be honest and attack our spouse, or we can be kind and withhold the truth. Either we can disagree with the boss to help make a better choice – and get shot for it – or we can remain quiet, starve the pool, and keep our job. Pick your poison. What makes these Sucker’s Choices is that they’re always set up as the only two options available. It’s the worst of either/or thinking. The person making the choice never suggests there’s a third option that doesn’t call for unhealthy behavior. For example, maybe there’s a way to be honest and respectful. Perhaps we can express our candid opinion to our boss and be safe. Those offering up a Sucker’s Choice either don’t think of a third (and healthy) option – in which case it’s an honest but tragic
mistake – or set up the false dichotomy as a way of justifying their unattractive actions. ‘I’m sorry, but I just had to destroy the guy’s self-image if I was going to keep my integrity. It wasn’t pretty, but it was the right thing to do.’”
When is the last time you had a 'Crucial Conversation?" Is there something you've been putting off for weeks, months? Deal with it, this week (!) staying calm, open, and following the road map from Crucial Conversations. Here's to improving all of our interactions, one by one. Have a great week, team!
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